Look, before we even get into this, let’s get a few things straight first: the title you just read does not imply any other point than what is clearly written. People get in trouble when they write titles like this; not because they’re wrong, but rather because people often insist that such a title, as stated above, implies that the opposite is true: Men are great at sex, or, No woman is great at sex. It goes without question that not all men are great at sex and that some women are great at sex, but that’s not what this is essay about. Stating that there are blue pens does not mean to say that there are ONLY blue pens, or that there are no red or black pens. Accept this simple fact and you might live longer and wiser; accept it not, and…well it wouldn’t matter if I told you anyway.

But, I can tell you the exact number of times I’ve tried to state something without someone cutting me off to refute an implication that didn’t exist: zero times. It’s never happened. This impulse to defend an irrelevant point that wasn’t made suggests two things: a.) you’re an idiot and cannot understand the basic rules of listening comprehension or debate, b.) the rational schema of your entire mindset is based on a system of extremes, consisting only of black and white and devoid of any grey area, or c.) you are currently receiving messages from unknown voices and should seek immediate psychiatric attention.

So now that we’re all on the same page, let us explore why women are not that great at sex. While the rating of how great a sexual experience is can differ vastly from person to person, one element continues to serve as a general measurement of sexual gratification: the orgasm. Now we can get into debates about whether having an orgasm is the goal of sex for some people or not, but truly it’s a silly debate. I think any research venture would be hard-pressed to find a MAJORITY of people that claim having an orgasm DECREASES their sexual pleasure. It’s a bad bet, and no sane investor would ever throw money at those numbers. So, whether you’re using leather, latex, chains and whips, assorted toys and lube, or just going at it the old-fashioned way, the orgasm itself represents the threshold to be crossed which enhances the pleasure of the experience–that is to say, having one certainly increases the over-all rating of your sexual encounter, regardless of who you are.

That being said, let’s turn the conversation over to the male  orgasm. For those women who are familiar with it, welcome back; and for the guys, welcome home. For the sake of this silly essay, for a woman to be “great” at sex she must give a man an orgasm. However, perhaps the more subtle and elusive aspect of this task lies in the details of the male orgasm, which comes in two forms (pun intended).

To better illustrate this next point, I’d like to quote one of the smartest and funniest men alive: Louis CK. As Louis once put it, the male orgasm is “just a release, it’s just something we have to do so that we won’t murder people.” To the best of my knowledge Mr. CK does not have a Ph.D; but lord knows he probably should. Drawing from this astute observation, it is also important to note that the “mandatory release” mentioned by Mr. CK shall now be referred to as the “Maintenance Orgasm”. A Maintenance Orgasm is the bare minimum amount of sexual gratification required to keep a man sane. On the other side of that same coin, there does exist another form of the male orgasm which surpasses the requirements of maintenance, and therefore reaches a higher grade of satisfaction; and that’s called the “Hell Yeah Orgasm”.

The reason it’s so important to make this rather elementary differentiation is because somewhere along the way, when a man orgasmed in the presence of a woman, it established a standard of thinking among females that rivals the dogma of Christianity: I created a man’s orgasm, therefore I am great. UNTRUE. While a man may experience a Maintenance Orgasm at the hand of a woman (pun intended), this does not mean that he has achieved great satisfaction. The Hell Yeah Orgasm denotes great satisfaction; The Maintenance Orgasm does not.

For a man, The Maintenance Orgasm is the result of a “good enough” performance. It’s a C; it’s passable. It gets the job done, but it’s not a home-run. There are plenty of C average students out there, but I doubt anyone would dare to say they are “great students”. Whether you believe in grading systems or not, objectively speaking, an A student us a great student and a C student might not make it to college. And furthermore, it should be noted that just because a guy brags that he got laid doesn’t mean he had a great time; it just means that he doesn’t have to feel like shit about himself because he can’t get a woman to touch his naked penis. At most ages this is how we innately measure some part of our self-worth. It can’t be helped.

With regard to the issue of sexual skill, this essay means to address some additionally related concerns. It has long been the  tireless practice of women to engage in cliche rhetoric that goes on about the ease of the male orgasm in comparison to the female experience. To this end, it is often marveled at–and even jested–that giving a male an orgasm requires very little skill. Based on the aforementioned distinction between the two types of male orgasms, this MAY, SOMETIMES, apply to The Maintenance Orgasm. However, it does not apply to The Hell Yeah Orgasm. To better elucidate the significance of this implication, 2 points must be understood.

The first point is that masturbation is the poster child for The Maintenance Orgasm. It’s not really all about having a great time; It’s just release. It’s something that must be done so that a man can actually concentrate on some task at hand without being interrupted with visions of breasts and vaginas. With this in mind, let’s think about the woman who successfully provides a Maintenance Orgasm to a man. She is performing maintenance; she is no more skilled than a man who gets himself off. And though, of course, it’s great fun to see women in the nude, this does not qualify as a skill. You don’t get points just for being who you are, because if it wasn’t you, it would be someone else. Frankly speaking, a Maintenance Orgasm from a woman and that of masturbation are nearly identical (I say “nearly” because someone masturbating can probably get themselves off faster and better, as they are both the giver and receiver).

And now for the second point. What’s really amazing is that, even when women openly report that giving a man an orgasm is easy, they knight themselves as a bedroom connoisseur. Even if it were true–as some women have claimed–that it “takes nothing to get a guy off,” that would mean that such women regard themselves as great lovers by using the equivalent skills needed to color with crayons. I know many people who can color, but would hesitate to call them “skilled”.

Maybe you’re wondering where all of this is going; what’s the point really? Like most essays, I think the point of this one is to dispel disinformation and misinformation. This is about getting down with straight talk in order to cut through the B.S., and truthfully speaking, this essay wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for the countless women so openly touting their sexual greatness. Once upon a time, I used to be good looking and have had the privilege of sharing a bed with a handful of women that rated in the 9’s and even up to 10. And honestly speaking, despite all the bragging they did, that’s really all they could do. While I’ll always secretly high-five myself for batting out of my league, the sexual encounters themselves were quite forgettable.

If you’re still reading this, I assume, perhaps, you might want to know how to distinguish between a man’s Maintenance Orgasm and Hell Yea Orgasm. While there may be a few more, the main telling signals are usually the following: he actually cuddles afterward, he tells you he loves you, he does something unexpectedly nice for you following your sexual encounter, he cries; or all of the above. WARNING: a man who continually pursues you for sex is NOT NECESSARILY receiving Hell Yeah Orgasms from you.

At the end of the day though, the true secret to great sex and a great relationship, is great teamwork. Exceptional communication with your partner about what you like and when you like it can go a long way. Some couples avoid that kind of talk for fear of bruised egos or the awkwardness that can sometimes ensue, but you get past that part and move on to the good stuff. After all, the good stuff is what we’re after anyway.