Being able to take a “Number 2” in the presence of the person you’re dating is big deal. In fact, it just might be the smoking gun of evidence necessary to understand that your relationship can finally start becoming a “serious relationship”. If you’ve really never thought about this, take a minute to consider the relationships you’ve been in; then, consider the number of bowel movements you’ve made in the presence of those lovers. Interesting, isn’t it? Let’s think back, shall we?

You’re having a fantastic evening with a new lover, and so far, things are going great. Though your time spent together has been intimate enough, up until this point, using a toilet for anything other than urination is still a line approached with much trepidation. And then, the unthinkable happens. You hadn’t even considered it a possibility. At some point between admiring their amazing body and planning to brush up naked with it later, you lost track of your bowels. Suddenly, your lower intestine sends the “all full and ready to unload” signal to your brain. Four more hours to go before the date ends, and your factory is ready to produce a package stamped with rush delivery postage to the nearest stall. Now what?

It really can be a nervous moment when you realize that the human sides of us remain quite hidden in the beginning, and even middle stages, of a relationship hoping to become a serious one. During those honeymoon periods, and even afterward, we make sure to look our best, smell our best, and swear off any food that may disagree with our breath and bowel moving policies while in the presence of a romantic partner.

It’s often the case that these more delicate matters of our own humanity are worked into our relationships through a transitionary practice of “a little at a time”. Slowly we completely open up to our lovers and let them witness and realize the basic humanity within us—and by humanity, I mean that: we all poop.

When it comes to pooping in a relationship, the truth of the matter is that, for the most part, you don’t really “drop a duce” all that often. That being considered, as the amount of time you spend with your lover increases, so does the likelihood that you’ll have to wipe your behind in a bathroom not far from their feet. And, when that time comes, it’s definitely slightly awkward.

High on the list of pooping anxiety would probably be the fear of your lover using the toilet immediately after you. This invokes consideration for the smell factor. The smell factor, hands down, is probably the biggest anxiety next to the possibility of passing gas while sitting on the bowl. Obnoxiously passing gas loud enough so that anyone in a block radius can hear it, can probably be avoided in most circumstances with some polished techniques. However, the smell factor is something that usually can’t be removed unless the bathroom you’re using has an aerosol spray freshener, in which case, the smell of spray alone would give you away completely—because of course the name of the game is “discreet”.

Trying to discreetly have a bowel movement while spending time with your lover is all about the time factor as well. However much time you spend in that bathroom tells whoever is outside waiting for you, that you’re not just evacuating your bladder. There exists an unwritten threshold of acceptable time allotted for peeing in our minds. Once that duration of time is breached, the conclusion of, “He/She is taking a shit”, will instantly be rendered. So, just make sure you’re prepared to walk into that kind of room when you’re done making sure you’ve covered your tracks well enough.

Of course, in writing this kind of blurb, I take special consideration for the differences between males that poop and females that poop. Given the expectations of gender and my own personal experience with girlfriends, I understand how this matter is especially sensitive for females.

I once dated a girl for almost a year and a half when she abruptly told me that she was sick and that I had to leave her house “immediately”. We had just finished a nice little sexual episode in the shower and were relaxing in her room when it became clear by her expression that she was not well. After attempting to coax her to talk about what was bothering her, I was met with unprovoked hostility and general aloofness. Completely baffled by her change in mood, I had decided to leave the issue alone after she had lain down in a fetal position on the bed. After demonstrating complete apathy for my presence, she suddenly told me that I should leave and that she didn’t feel well. Practically offended, I left feeling bewildered and a lot like a cheap whore. As I pulled into the driveway of my house, my cellphone rang; it was her. She immediately apologized for asking me to leave and explained that she had been avoiding a bowel movement because she did not want me present for fear of embarrassment.

So what’s all of this about really? Okay, so people poop and have reservations about making a show out of it in front of their lovers. Well, the thing about it is this: as we approach a future lined with aspirations of perfection, and a line of products and industries that promise the eventual attainment of that perfection, sometimes we still hold a bit of shame for our own humanity. Somehow this beautiful world created with photoshop on computers and television has kept us a little apprehensive about the fact that we are still animals. There was an awesome children’s book I saw back in the U.S. called “Everyone Poops”. Aside from the cute illustrations and excellent presentation for children, what it really did was get down to the nitty gritty: everyone poops. And, knowing that everyone poops also means knowing that our lovers poop, and also that, if they decide to poop in our presence, that’s okay too.

Out of all of this though, there’s something to be learned about yourself and your relationships based on how long it takes you to feel comfortable pooping with your lover around. It’s a milestone really; it’s a marker for the maturation of a relationship on the way to serious-town. When you can comfortably proclaim to your lover that you are not going to the toilet to pee, that you are indeed going to relieve your lower intestine and that you don’t care if the smell peels the paint off a battleship, you have then taxied onto a runway where a serious relationship is possible. And everyone’s different. For some people it takes longer, and still others will say that they are comfortable with bowel movements much earlier than they would consider to be in a serious relationship with a partner. That’s probably true as well. However, I’m certain that whether you poop earlier and get serious later or poop later and get serious much later, you can’t be in a serious relationship with someone without having pooped in their presence.
Me? I just get it over with right away:

“I’m going to poop, wait here. If I’m not back in a reasonable amount of time, don’t come looking for me; you have to get on with your life without me. I Love you…”