1.) Wake up Late.

Rolling over at half-past two in the afternoon ensures that you won’t have to participate in the actual preparation of an impossible feast you don’t know how to cook. This tactic also effectively communicates your chosen role to those family members and friends who may have mistaken your motives for wishing to be involved in a holiday established on the principles of going to war with colored people and then taking their lands. And let’s face it, nothing quite says “Thanks” like just showing up to eat; that’s why we all love weddings.

2.) Get a Neck Pillow.

Before you find yourself on the edge of that food coma, your head rocking back and forth like a newborn fresh out of the baby-maker, get yourself some protection—nap protection. The art of napping anywhere has never been made easier than by that plush, horseshoe-shaped neck brace everyone buys at the airport. Don’t skimp on this, because when precious couch real estate starts to dry up in the latter hours of turkey gorging, you’re going to be glad you bought that little neck pillow. And, right before you nod off into that 3,000 calorie state of unconsciousness, you’ll think of me and say to yourself: “Damn, neck pillows aren’t just for fat people and pregnant women.”

3.) Booze.

Holidays are those times of year that you HAVE to put up with crap; it’s pretty much a rule. If you can’t handle your family members for the handful of days required by the basic rules of civilization, you might be wrongly classified as a human being and may fall under the genetic tree of some kind of mold. Luckily, if those members of your friends and family determined to destroy your sanity are indeed successful, booze can definitely help heal the wound. And, if you’re like me, and don’t much care to listen to that well-off republican uncle cry about people on welfare while corporations reap billions of dollars in government subsidies, you’ll need all the help you can get. A little help from your BEST friends Hennessy, Jack Daniels, and Patron, should give you just the right attitude and breath to either charm them, or ward them off for good.

4.) Prep Your Bathrooms.

Let’s talk toilet paper and plungers. The holidays always bring heavy foot-traffic to bathrooms. Between dropping a “Number 2” and purging all of those unnecessary calories to make room for more, restrooms are going to be a hotter spot than that jersey nightclub you frequent. Bleach that toilet, stock the paper, and throw some antacids in the medicine cabinet next to the mouthwash because it’s going to be a damn crime scene in there.

5.) Complain About How Much You Hate Christmas.

With Black Friday one day after the big feast, and with some stores open on Thanksgiving Day, it would only be right to comment on how annoying the Christmas shopping season really is. No one is allow to merely anticipate Christmas anymore. Christmas is no longer that magical time looming in the far distant corner of the year. No. Christmas assaults you now. Before you’ve barely even hung up that Halloween costume you’ve been sporting for the past three years in the row, Christmas reminds you that your fat tax-refund belongs to December. Between yearly Walmart deaths by trampling, and thousands of homeowners and renters voluntarily sleeping out on the street, if you’re NOT complaining about a good old fashioned commercial Christmas, you’re probably part of the problem.