How To Be Awesome At A Nightclub

Some friends from Brazil were visiting my girlfriend this week, and so, in order to wrap up their vacation with a bang, we decided to go out to a dance club for the final night of their vacation here in New York. My ego doesn’t mind telling you that I’m a phenomenal dancer. But, last night, I wasn’t the only one schooling the rest of the male population on how to take over a nightclub—being a great dancer is only one possible approach. The following is a list of notes I took while attending lessons from the creme-of-the-crop of nightclub prowess. Basically, if you want to make a big scene, get noticed, and attract potential mates as well as a crew of haters, you need to heed this advice.

1.) Look Like You’re Rich.

Let’s face it, the economy sucks. And unless you’ve caught a serious break in your financial portfolio by either sleeping your way to the top or being born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you’re probably hurting for cash. Being rich is hard; looking rich is easier. Some of the easiest ways to project an image of possessing a high net worth are what you might expect: nice clothes, shoes, and jewelry. For clothes and shoes, you can peruse local thrift shops or even a discount store like Marshall’s and Century 21. On a leisurely stroll through the mall with a friend the other day, I saw a couple of clothing items from Express and Michael Kors for more than HALF their regular retail price. SCORE.

2.) Be Rich.

Like I said: being rich is hard. But if you are, there’s not much else for you to do. Females have a sixth-sense for sniffing out personal wealth; they can smell money from miles away. All you have to do is walk in and the women will find you. They always do. 

3.) Unbutton Your Top Three Buttons. (Four Buttons for Extra Points).

If you’re a man in a club, you’d better be wearing a collared button-down shirt. And, if you are, those top three buttons better be undone. Letting loose and exposing valuable real estate of the chest is absolutely mandatory. Failing to exhibit this manly asset causes women to assume one of two things:


A.) You’re a religious fanatic who just got done going door-to-door selling bibles, or 


B.) You have no idea what you’re doing in bed.  

4.) Shout Across The Club At Everyone You Know (It Makes You Look Popular and Well-Connected).


This tactic employs the old-school strategy of drawing attention to yourself while pretending that you don’t notice others are looking. It’s a double win play, too, as appearing unfazed by the amount of disruption you’re creating gives off the impression that commanding the attention of others is simply “no big deal” and “I do this all the time.” Once getting the attention of others begins to look like a normal thing for you, and once you attract the attention of several people at once, competition will ensue. If there’s one thing I’ve ever learned about becoming a social spectacle it’s this: women will try to get your attention not because they are particularly attracted to you, but just because you have the attention of OTHER women. This is the game. A woman will pay loads of attention to you if they feel that other women are competing for your time, simply because they want to BEAT the other women  who may or may not give a crap about taking you home. This is one of the secrets of commanding attention. You’re welcome.
5.) Wear Sunglasses Inside.

Nothing says “I’m cool” like being almost legally blind. That’s what you’ll be while roaming around a dark room with shades on. But in the grand scheme of things, it’s a small price to pay for creating the kind of mystery that gets women to crowd around you, hoping to catch a glimpse of your eyes. Also, shielding your eyes from the general public not only creates a practical guard against someone reading your poker face, it also creates a kind of class separation of your own: there are those who don’t wear sunglasses in clubs (the majority), and the elite few who do (you)

6.) Buy A Bottle (And Make Sure As Many People As Possible See You Do It).

This may require that you get up and make a spectacle of yourself, which should be no problem if you’re well versed in the previous tactic of “Shouting Across The Club At Everyone You Know”. After ordering the bottle, you have to follow up. Make sure to follow and direct servers to your VIP area because they may have forgotten where it is in the five seconds they were in the back room. Also, in the event that you are not the person who purchased that $350 bottle of Grey Goose, see the “Look Like You’re Rich” section and stand up as servers carry it to your table in order to give the impression that you’re responsible for its existence.  

Matthew Rosario

American / Writer / Musician