Jealousy in Relationships

PART 1.

Have you ever just wanted to turn into THE HULK and rip someone’s head off? Dude, me too! Though I don’t consider myself to be a wildly jealous person, I’ve certainly had fleeting thoughts of fantasy about slapping the smirk off some guy’s stupid face, who, for some reason, thinks it’s cute to blatantly hit on my girlfriend. I’m sort of exaggerating; I’m not sure I’ve ever slapped anyone in my life (Sounds kinda fun though). But truly, I’ve thought about it; I think we all have. In the heat of jealously you just want the pain to stop, this feeling that an intruder is slipping easily under the gates of your most prized relationship. How dare they. How dare they assume that you’re just going to lie down and take it. Well, they’ve got another thing coming: a fist, right to the face. Right?

It can certainly feel that way sometimes. In our experience of jealously, we all have flashes of violent thoughts that we know are completely ridiculous. In that moment of intense jealousy, we just want to rescue our partner and ourselves from this terrible feeling that someone could drive us apart, that someone could destroy a relationship we’ve worked so hard to build. And, so we panic, and imagine ourselves blowing them away with a 357 Magnum. We never act out these fantasies, of course, but (BOY) are they entertaining; out of nowhere you start hearing the blaring guitars of some crazy beat-down soundtrack that cues the clenching of your fists—personally, I like the Pokemon Dubstep Remix by Arion—and you get to work on rearranging their face. You get high off the thought of defending your boyfriend/girlfriend from the greasy hands of some bottom-feeder looking to treat the person you love most like a piece of meat. So, you want to treat that perpetrator like a piece of meat: cut ’em up and throw them in a grinder. Yummy. And so, I don’t mind fantasizing about how I might suddenly grow 200 lbs of pure muscles, turn green, and rip through an undershirt I bought at Baby Gap. Green is one of my favorite colors.

Here’s a list of suggested Beat-Down Fantasy soundtracks you might consider the next time your mind should need to entertain fanciful thoughts of violence. These tracks were suggested by some of my friends via a Facebook shout-out. I think there’s something here for everyone

(Please allow time for the Spotify buttons to load. Also, Spotify’s service is “spotty”and not all the tracks are identified here explicitly):



Jealousy can be a really, really messy topic. The emotion itself is absurd to begin with, like that homemade cocktail your friend makes with about 10 different liquors: tastes like shit, does some serious damage, and (ohhhhh) the consequences the next day. Jealousy is like this: a complex and explosive mixture of anger,  love, helplessness, and fear. And, it can so some serious damage too. That’s what this 3-part series on Jealousy is all about, though. By coming to terms with how we experience jealousy and what actions we take, we can better understand how to spot its dangers and minimize its destruction. Let’s start with myths—because let’s face it, it’s been years since you believed Santa Claus, and man, wasn’t that a load off your mind?



The Myths of Jealousy




“1 Cup of Jealousy = 1 Cup of Love”

It’s no surprise that people equate jealousy with love. It’s also no surprise that they’re wrong; people have a lot of strange thoughts. At one time the Earth was thought to be the center of the universe, and just a few years ago, some people in Alabama believed that a real leprechaun was living in a tree in their community. (Shrugs) But, when it comes to jealousy, love for one’s partner may or may not have anything to do with it. Jealousy is often a reflection of feelings of loosing control, powerlessness, possessiveness, and even insecurities which, in some extreme cases, can cause lovers to isolate their partners from friends and family. A more profound expression of jealousy doesn’t equal more love. In fact, more extreme levels of jealousy are more indicative of severe emotional immaturity, trust issues, and perhaps, someone who has difficulty with forming close relationships.

“A Jealous Partner = a Psycho Partner”

This myth is perpetuated, mostly, by popular entertainment media. How many movies or TV shows have you seen featuring that jealous boyfriend/girlfriend who probably should have been medicated long before their 12th birthday? A lot. And, now, as traditional gender roles dissolve, and alternative romantic lifestyles take stage, jealousy has taken on a particularly negative association. We tend to see jealousy as a purely negative thing, especially when our most salient examples are often extreme. The truth is: jealousy is normal. Everyone gets jealous. But, the emotion of jealousy isn’t so much the problem—the way in which it’s expressed is.

“No Jealousy = No Love”

This one’s the reverse of the first one, where, people assume that if they don’t experience their partner’s jealously, it means that their partner doesn’t care. The key word here is “experience”. We already know that everyone gets jealous, but the fear that creates jealousy doesn’t always have to be communicated to our partner. We can hold onto our jealousy and resolve it using our own mental faculty. I’ve actually heard many women complain that their partner doesn’t seem to mind if they hang out with other men, and that bothers them. This kind of thinking leads to the all-too-common strategy of trying to make their partner jealous. It’s a dangerous game, and no one wins. If your partner doesn’t express their jealousy much, it’s probably because they trust you and are emotionally mature. Those are both good things; stop screwing up a good thing dammit.



This is the first part of 3-part series on Jealousy. I’ll be posting Part 2 in a few days. Part 2 of this series explores the kinds of people that try to get with your partner and how they do it. Stay tuned!

Matthew Rosario

American / Writer / Musician

  • AndreaGS

    Great post. I agree on everything, specially on how great a Pokemon bso would work in those situations, haha! I myself feel jealous of pretty much every girl on the planet that is less than a meter away from my boyfriend…but instead of being a psycho I force myself to think about how much I trust him, and why. Trust and honesty are everything in a relationship, (along with sex, why bother denying that). For me, if you have those three, no matter how many people try to hit on your partner. Maybe I’m too innocent…but it really helps me keep a healthy relationship.

    • I think you touched on some really great points—the most important being an emphasis on “healthy relationship”. Jealousy is normal and happens. But we must not inundate our partner with our worries and fears, most of which, are unfounded. People are going to find your partner attractive. That’s okay. Mostly we must think about create happiness within the relationship. In this way, nothing can break it—not even jealousy.

  • AndreaGS

    Great post. I agree on everything, specially on how great a Pokemon bso would work in those situations, haha! I myself feel jealous of pretty much every girl on the planet that is less than a meter away from my boyfriend…but instead of being a psycho I force myself to think about how much I trust him, and why. Trust and honesty are everything in a relationship, (along with sex, why bother denying that). For me, if you have those three, no matter how many people try to hit on your partner. Maybe I'm too innocent…but it really helps me keep a healthy relationship.

  • I think you touched on some really great points—the most important being an emphasis on "healthy relationship". Jealousy is normal and happens. But we must not inundate our partner with our worries and fears, most of which, are unfounded. People are going to find your partner attractive. That's okay. Mostly we must think about create happiness within the relationship. In this way, nothing can break it—not even jealousy.

  • Chhavi Vatwani

    You know if you concoct the right cocktail of jealousy (not the one your friend makes) but an intriguing mix, you might actually fall more in love (both of you – with each other, of course). I like to feel my guy getting a little green and Hulk-ish when he sees me being complimented by other men or when I tell him that so n so guy has a crush on me. I only do this when there’s been zillion years when he last complimented me or asked me out on a date (ok m just exaggerating 5 days of no compliments, but hey they were FIVE DAYS without that fun, that magic, that SPARK!). But that’s about it, any poking around our relationship by any other guy and I think I’m gonna be the one turning into the 200 lbs body 😐 or not. just fantasize! 0:)

    And oh, I listen to “Panga by Honey Singh” during the green time. It’s a hindi-punjabi song, so you probably won’t get it, but the anger is clear in the tone of the song, so you can check that out 🙂

    • It’s actually an interesting and valid point that you make. Because, of course, we can’t read minds, experiencing our partner’s jealousy more explicitly is something I suppose people require from time to time. If i think about it, and I’m honest with myself, the answer is: YES. I does feel good when my partner expresses her possessiveness over me. I think, mostly, I mean to warn against using jealousy as a means to gain power over your partner, by playing games. I think it’s VERY easy to play the jealousy game and then start to keep a score card for our lovers. That can be dangerous. We don’t want to play scores with our lovers and put a value on our relationships in that way. This can build a kind of never ending competition that loses sight of the relationship. Then, the relationship becomes and endless “proving” of who loves who more and it can get very messy. No one wins really. Thanks so much for reading and your intelligent comments!

      • Chhavi Vatwani

        Of course! I’d never go towards the playing jealousy games side. You’re right that we should keep our relationship always positive. A teensy-weensy jealousy is good when you feel your relationship going down. BTW have you experience ‘”proving” of who loves who more’?? 😉 You don’t need to answer that 😀

  • Chhavi Vatwani

    You know if you concoct the right cocktail of jealousy (not the one your friend makes) but an intriguing mix, you might actually fall more in love (both of you – with each other, of course). I like to feel my guy getting a little green and Hulk-ish when he sees me being complimented by other men or when I tell him that so n so guy has a crush on me. I only do this when there's been zillion years when he last complimented me or asked me out on a date (ok m just exaggerating 5 days of no compliments, but hey they were FIVE DAYS without that fun, that magic, that SPARK!). But that's about it, any poking around our relationship by any other guy and I think I'm gonna be the one turning the 200 lbs body 😐 or not. just fantasize! 0:)

  • It's actually an interesting and valid point that you make. Because, of course, we can't read minds, experiencing our partner's jealousy more explicitly is something I suppose people require from time to time. If i think about it, and I'm honest with myself, the answer is: YES. I does feel good when my partner expresses her possessiveness over me. I think, mostly, I mean to warn against using jealousy as a means to gain power over your partner, by playing games. I think it's VERY easy to play the jealousy game and then start to keep a score card for our lovers. That can be dangerous. We don't want to play scores with our lovers and put a value on our relationships in that way. This can build a kind of never ending competition that loses sight of the relationship. Then, the relationship becomes and endless "proving" of who loves who more and it can get very messy. No one wins really. Thanks so much for reading and your intelligent comments!

  • Chhavi Vatwani

    Of course! I'd never go towards the playing jealousy games side. You're right that we should keep our relationship always positive. A teensy-weensy jealousy is good when you feel your relationship going down. BTW have you experience '"proving" of who loves who more'?? 😉 You don't need to answer that 😀

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