Women are not that great at Sex

Look, before we even get into this, let’s get a few things straight first: the title you just read does not imply any other point than what is clearly written. People get in trouble when they write titles like this; not because they’re wrong, but rather because people often insist that such a title, as stated above, implies that the opposite is true: Men are great at sex, or, No woman is great at sex. It goes without question that not all men are great at sex and that some women are great at sex, but that’s not what this is essay about. Stating that there are blue pens does not mean to say that there are ONLY blue pens, or that there are no red or black pens. Accept this simple fact and you might live longer and wiser; accept it not, and…well it wouldn’t matter if I told you anyway.

But, I can tell you the exact number of times I’ve tried to state something without someone cutting me off to refute an implication that didn’t exist: zero times. It’s never happened. This impulse to defend an irrelevant point that wasn’t made suggests two things: a.) you’re an idiot and cannot understand the basic rules of listening comprehension or debate, b.) the rational schema of your entire mindset is based on a system of extremes, consisting only of black and white and devoid of any grey area, or c.) you are currently receiving messages from unknown voices and should seek immediate psychiatric attention.

So now that we’re all on the same page, let us explore why women are not that great at sex. While the rating of how great a sexual experience is can differ vastly from person to person, one element continues to serve as a general measurement of sexual gratification: the orgasm. Now we can get into debates about whether having an orgasm is the goal of sex for some people or not, but truly it’s a silly debate. I think any research venture would be hard-pressed to find a MAJORITY of people that claim having an orgasm DECREASES their sexual pleasure. It’s a bad bet, and no sane investor would ever throw money at those numbers. So, whether you’re using leather, latex, chains and whips, assorted toys and lube, or just going at it the old-fashioned way, the orgasm itself represents the threshold to be crossed which enhances the pleasure of the experience–that is to say, having one certainly increases the over-all rating of your sexual encounter, regardless of who you are.

That being said, let’s turn the conversation over to the male  orgasm. For those women who are familiar with it, welcome back; and for the guys, welcome home. For the sake of this silly essay, for a woman to be “great” at sex she must give a man an orgasm. However, perhaps the more subtle and elusive aspect of this task lies in the details of the male orgasm, which comes in two forms (pun intended).

To better illustrate this next point, I’d like to quote one of the smartest and funniest men alive: Louis CK. As Louis once put it, the male orgasm is “just a release, it’s just something we have to do so that we won’t murder people.” To the best of my knowledge Mr. CK does not have a Ph.D; but lord knows he probably should. Drawing from this astute observation, it is also important to note that the “mandatory release” mentioned by Mr. CK shall now be referred to as the “Maintenance Orgasm”. A Maintenance Orgasm is the bare minimum amount of sexual gratification required to keep a man sane. On the other side of that same coin, there does exist another form of the male orgasm which surpasses the requirements of maintenance, and therefore reaches a higher grade of satisfaction; and that’s called the “Hell Yeah Orgasm”.

The reason it’s so important to make this rather elementary differentiation is because somewhere along the way, when a man orgasmed in the presence of a woman, it established a standard of thinking among females that rivals the dogma of Christianity: I created a man’s orgasm, therefore I am great. UNTRUE. While a man may experience a Maintenance Orgasm at the hand of a woman (pun intended), this does not mean that he has achieved great satisfaction. The Hell Yeah Orgasm denotes great satisfaction; The Maintenance Orgasm does not.

For a man, The Maintenance Orgasm is the result of a “good enough” performance. It’s a C; it’s passable. It gets the job done, but it’s not a home-run. There are plenty of C average students out there, but I doubt anyone would dare to say they are “great students”. Whether you believe in grading systems or not, objectively speaking, an A student us a great student and a C student might not make it to college. And furthermore, it should be noted that just because a guy brags that he got laid doesn’t mean he had a great time; it just means that he doesn’t have to feel like shit about himself because he can’t get a woman to touch his naked penis. At most ages this is how we innately measure some part of our self-worth. It can’t be helped.

With regard to the issue of sexual skill, this essay means to address some additionally related concerns. It has long been the  tireless practice of women to engage in cliche rhetoric that goes on about the ease of the male orgasm in comparison to the female experience. To this end, it is often marveled at–and even jested–that giving a male an orgasm requires very little skill. Based on the aforementioned distinction between the two types of male orgasms, this MAY, SOMETIMES, apply to The Maintenance Orgasm. However, it does not apply to The Hell Yeah Orgasm. To better elucidate the significance of this implication, 2 points must be understood.

The first point is that masturbation is the poster child for The Maintenance Orgasm. It’s not really all about having a great time; It’s just release. It’s something that must be done so that a man can actually concentrate on some task at hand without being interrupted with visions of breasts and vaginas. With this in mind, let’s think about the woman who successfully provides a Maintenance Orgasm to a man. She is performing maintenance; she is no more skilled than a man who gets himself off. And though, of course, it’s great fun to see women in the nude, this does not qualify as a skill. You don’t get points just for being who you are, because if it wasn’t you, it would be someone else. Frankly speaking, a Maintenance Orgasm from a woman and that of masturbation are nearly identical (I say “nearly” because someone masturbating can probably get themselves off faster and better, as they are both the giver and receiver).

And now for the second point. What’s really amazing is that, even when women openly report that giving a man an orgasm is easy, they knight themselves as a bedroom connoisseur. Even if it were true–as some women have claimed–that it “takes nothing to get a guy off,” that would mean that such women regard themselves as great lovers by using the equivalent skills needed to color with crayons. I know many people who can color, but would hesitate to call them “skilled”.

Maybe you’re wondering where all of this is going; what’s the point really? Like most essays, I think the point of this one is to dispel disinformation and misinformation. This is about getting down with straight talk in order to cut through the B.S., and truthfully speaking, this essay wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for the countless women so openly touting their sexual greatness. Once upon a time, I used to be good looking and have had the privilege of sharing a bed with a handful of women that rated in the 9’s and even up to 10. And honestly speaking, despite all the bragging they did, that’s really all they could do. While I’ll always secretly high-five myself for batting out of my league, the sexual encounters themselves were quite forgettable.

If you’re still reading this, I assume, perhaps, you might want to know how to distinguish between a man’s Maintenance Orgasm and Hell Yea Orgasm. While there may be a few more, the main telling signals are usually the following: he actually cuddles afterward, he tells you he loves you, he does something unexpectedly nice for you following your sexual encounter, he cries; or all of the above. WARNING: a man who continually pursues you for sex is NOT NECESSARILY receiving Hell Yeah Orgasms from you.

At the end of the day though, the true secret to great sex and a great relationship, is great teamwork. Exceptional communication with your partner about what you like and when you like it can go a long way. Some couples avoid that kind of talk for fear of bruised egos or the awkwardness that can sometimes ensue, but you get past that part and move on to the good stuff. After all, the good stuff is what we’re after anyway.

Matthew Rosario

American / Writer / Musician

  • very Interesting. I enjoyed this…and I must say that I love how you included Mr. Louis CK, my biggest celebrity crush.

  • Dude, he's probably the funniest guy ever. Love him. Thanks for reading 🙂

  • Anonymous

    Hi, Matt.
    From your final two paragraphs here, I have taken it that what you are really saying is "don't bother having sex (if you're male or female) unless you're in a committed, loving relationship, because it's going to be mundane and average at best".
    Whilst I agree that, yes, good sex comes from good communication, it's not just about love. The symptoms of a post-Hell Yeah Orgasm, as you describe, are those of a man in love in the first place, which therefore has heightened the incredibleness of the orgasm, not necessarily a man who just realistically had the best orgasm of his life.
    However, orgasms, in my opinion, differ as your state of mind does, so maybe the only way to have a Hell Yeah orgasm is to be blinded by love. A girl who's 150% committed to making sure you get that Hell Yeah orgasm will also do the trick, whether you're in love with her or not…

  • If you really believe the message is "don't bother having sex unless you're in a committed relationship" I pity you. The ending, of course, is meant to preserve our most precious relationships–that is to say, you don't have to divorce your husband or wife if feel like you're inadequate in the bedroom. Truly the ending paragraphs offer a way for people to stop just talking about performance and talk about what they like. Its really about not being overly concerned with labels like "great at sex" , "bad at sex" it's more about getting down to the idea that talking about the illusion of sexual "skill" which really isn't inherent, it's learned through communication usually. Of course we can experience great sex from people we don't care about, I'm sure people do, I know I have. Though this essay makes observations about misinformation about the skill of women in sex, it doesn't mean to say that all other scenarios NOT discussed are impossible. Certainly many possibilities exists. I'm discussing this one.

  • I talk about this topic with my husband all the time and its a good thing for women to get through their heads. I have two daughters that I try so hard to get them to understand this for their own benefit. It is such a funny game that men and women play with eachother and…why? Because, instead of sex being what it should be – a connection with someone – it is a competition – who is better in bed…who is better looking….who do guys like more…etc…
    And when there is a competition, there is a winner and a loser and no one wants to be a loser so…you got the problem that you talked about above. Get it girls – the guy just needs release!! He doesn't need you. You body is not special. You are. Give the guy your true self (if you can find it under the superficiality) and you will be loved for you – not your unimportant body that will some day get old and unattractive – no matter how much botox you use!!

  • Just to add one more thing – so I shouldn't be misunderstood. Keeping your body healthy and beautiful is important also – but you can only reap the benefits if you combine that beautiful body with a beautiful soul.

  • Shayna, I couldn't agree more with your opinion. Sex has become a game. Sex has become a beautiful thing distorted and cheapened by a spirit of competition. I agree that the talk of sexual performance contributes to many social and personal issues of vanity and self esteem. However, I hope you can also see that the writing peice above is actually meant to break down some of those barriers. By proving that our perception of sexual "skill" is too elevated and scrutinized and praised, by revealing some of the reasons that the advertising of sexual skill of women is just silliness, it is mean to bring readers back to earth about true sex. If your wondering why I chose to highlight women is because my sexual experience is with women.

  • Great post!! Got me thinking my husband is probably due for a Hell Ya Orgasm. 😀

    http://jleesblog.com

    • Yess please! Give it to him. He'll thank you.

  • What if he says, "YES!! I have successfully raped the bitch!!" or "and again!!! Bitch got raped~!" instead of all the loving phrases in the end of this article? 😀

    • That's a situation that doesn't apply to this article hahaha. Call the police in that situation!

    • Hahahaha! I find the situations funny in every ways though..

    • Haha, there is definitely humor to be seen in most things 😉 Good Job!

  • Phenix Jira

    I always laugh at the ‘miracle of birth’ concept as well. Just because you can give birth does not mean you can raise a child… that is the true test. I remember when I learned how to drive a car… I thought a person must be a genius to drive a car… uh, no… just about anyone can do it; the real test is in how well they do it. Sex is sex is sex… how good it is depends on the participants… as well as the mood they are in at that particular time. I’ve heard men say sex is like pizza in that even bad pizza is still pizza. I roll my eyes at that but maybe it’s because I’m not a man. I’ve had some pretty lousy pizza… even pizza that was presented as sex… lol.

    The worst is when the dude says ‘so how was I’. Uh oh. Much like the “do these pants make my ass look big”, the “how was I” question is also a double edged sword. I will never sound my own horn and say I’m great because quite frankly there are times I suck (and not in the good way). Call it boredom, lack of interest or outright laziness… there are times when even the ‘perfect dude’ would get a shrug. There is that legend that men are always ready and women need prodding (pun intended??). Personally, I think it depends on the moment.

    Am I great at sex? It definitely depends on the moment along with 15 other aspects I don’t have time to mention and would lose interest by the time I listed them… look… butterflies…

  • Phenix Jira

    I always laugh at the 'miracle of birth' concept as well. Just because you can give birth does not mean you can raise a child… that is the true test. I remember when I learned how to drive a car… I thought a person must be a genius to drive a car… uh, no… just about anyone can do it; the real test is in how well they do it. Sex is sex is sex… how good it is depends on the participants… as well as the mood they are in at that particular time. I've heard men say sex is like pizza in that even bad pizza is still pizza. I roll my eyes at that but maybe it's because I'm not a man. I've had some pretty lousy pizza… even pizza that was presented as sex… lol.

    The worst is when the dude says 'so how was I'. Uh oh. Much like the "do these pants make my ass look big", the "how was I" question is also a double edged sword. I will never sound my own horn and say I'm great because quite frankly there are times I suck (and not in the good way). Call it boredom, lack of interest or outright laziness… there are times when even the 'perfect dude' would get a shrug. There is that legend that men are always ready and women need prodding (pun intended??). Personally, I think it depends on the moment.

    Am I great at sex? It definitely depends on the moment along with 15 other aspects I don't have time to mention and would lose interest by the time I listed them… look… butterflies…