I wonder where We go

Fire. Fire. No good. Let’s go people. Pick it up. Pick it up.

Sometimes, if sitting quietly enough to hear nails grow from fingers, you can almost hear the neurons firing inside your brain. Though for me, it’s more likely that I hear the electricity in my brain before the keratin of my fingers because I’m usually too busy biting at my nail bed. I once had a girlfriend who was just as bad a biter as I was but found comfort in that, because whenever shame and guilt found me, I would just criticize her bleeding cuticles in place of my own. Having a relationship with someone that shares your vice is an effective coping tool. Anyway, so, the brain: a biological workstation running on phantasmal systems of nature which can’t be directly observed.

Look at me on the couch. There I am, nursing a small white porcelain cup filled with bitter green tea again. And, amidst the cloud of burning incense I begin to think about all the things I’ve become, and all the things I’ve failed to be. I think about all the “MEs” I’ve created, and all the ones that have been destroyed. I wonder where they go. Do they disappear forever, or do they come back? Should I stick around and pace for them to show up, anticipating their arrival between the four walls of an empty waiting room?

Sometimes I think about Reckless me, or Hopeless Romantic me, or Drug User me, or Future Doctor me. I wonder what it might be like to invite them all to dinner and ask them to come to a compromise. “Get your act together boys”, I’d say with a stern face after downing a shot of tequila. Maybe they’d shape up and work out a deal where they could each spend time occupying my body year after year, my physical shell becoming a loaned existence on tap. After they finish playing out their agendas, I wonder if then, maybe then I might be a complete person. I wonder if that’s what they mean when they say that kind of junk. The hardest part comes at the end of this mental journey.

In the final sip that consumes the tea, I think about all the people I really care about in my life, and I wonder if I might be loving the same person represented by several different bodies—as if somehow this person was split up and scattered around the world long ago for me to find. It’s a daunting puzzle with no guarantee of success and whose end carries no promise of vindication. I wonder what might happen if all those people I care for came into being as one person, and I wonder if then—only then—might I love completely.

Matthew Rosario

American / Writer / Musician

  • But doesnt your very existence, your currenr self, already represent that comprimise?dreamer mat told you to go to japan, somewhere youve always wanted to go. Hopeless romantic matt makes funny faced while waiting for the train. Yes there are parts of us we repressed. But thats all part of the deal struck. But hell maybe theres a little doctor matt that said green tea not coffee. And where the insense come from? Al in all. As far as loving completely. Whats stopping that?

  • I think more importantly than trying to answer all the questions, more important than trying to "solve" the dilemmas, is realizing that there will always be questions and not many answers. There' s a certain obsession with solving and having answers that I think precludes real progress. True mastery isn't about doing everything right and knowing everything, it's about being able to handle any situation, even when there are no answers. I think there needs to be a certain comfort in just having questions and not trying to say this is this and that is that. Also noteworthy is that answers are often only as relevant as their context; what may be a sufficient answer to question (A) now, may not be a suitable answer for question (A) later. This I think helps to illustrate my point, being that, I'm not actually trying to clear up confusion, I'm trying to appreciate the process even if its a bit uncomfortable. Thanks for you comment.

  • Love your writing style.
    I view current my as a palimpsesting of former me's. But after I cleanse myself and adopt a new self, I've come to realize that I never quite part from my old selves. But I'm glad of that… There isn't a stage in my life (as awkward as they might have been….most notably my goth stage in 6th grade) that has taught me something or contributed to colorful, open-minded person I am now. I always thing "no…I'm not going to change drastically anymore. I'm pretty much static!" but I bet I'll be eating my words a few years from now. Maybe even tomorrow, as I convert to scientology and submit myself to Lord Xenu. No not really.

    One of the things I struggle with is accepting my weaknesses, and justifying them as deserved or necessary. Even illnesses or temporary lapses. I blame my perfectionism and my ingrained competitive nature. However, one of the things I have learned recently is to allow flaws in myself and to love them, and to work on loving myself, because only when I love myself can I love other people to the extent that I want to. Only when I can accept flaws in myself can I accept flaws in other people and learn to sympathize.
    I do think you, all of the Matthew's of the past, present, and perhaps future are what makes you so unique, and what allows you to establish connections to such a diverse array of people. Even in times of weakness, that weakness allows for you to sympathize with others who have gone thorough or are going through the same thing.